The Village and The Vineyard

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About the Author and About the Blog

I started this blog because I want to share the good, the bad, and the ugly about adoption- things I desperately wish I had been told before I started on this road. I hope sharing my journey will help you on your own! It is my goal to share my highs and lows as an adoptive mom in a very personal, deep, and genuine way.

At the same time, I want to give my daughter control of her own adoption story- to let HER choose how to share it, when, and with whom. This is more than just a story; this is about a precious child’s LIFE. For that reason, * names, places, and identifying details have been changed to protect her privacy, and stock photos will be used rather than real family photos. *

I am a real person, a real adoptive mom, with highs and lows, struggles and triumphs. I am not an expert on anything. I am just sharing my own personal experience. Please take it with a grain of salt, and remember that every family, and every individual is different, and that’s OK!

I am definitely a planner and organizer, and Adoption wasn’t exactly “Plan A.” After many years of failed attempts to conceive, I had a hysterectomy at a very young age. Adoption from foster care did not follow anyone’s plans or expectations, and parenting a traumatized child with attachment issues has not gone according to plans either. Thus, the reference to “My Plan Z Life.”

Due to my daughter’s special needs, life and parenting looks dramatically different than what my husband and I imagined. Our beloved pets are gone (one was killed by our daughter; another was re-homed as a precaution). We absolutely LOVE to travel, and that has largely been put on hold. Parenting looks a lot more like co-parenting in one house most days than the family togetherness we envisioned and still long for.

On the other hand, by acknowledging and prioritizing our child’s needs and limitations, we have found a balance that mostly works for us as a family and as individuals, and we are gradually seeing improvements in our daughter’s ability to attach and function well in life.

It is not always easy to find the joy in a “Plan Z Life” that looks so very different from the life you dreamed of and worked so hard to create. This is a work in progress, a journey as opposed to a destination, and I hope that sharing my journey will help you on your own. I’d love to hear from you about how our story impacts you. You can email me at JustineGraceShafer@gmail.com.

Remember, you may end up on Plan Z, just like we have, before you find what feels right for your family. And in my experience, just when you think you have something figured out, your child starts a new phase, or life throws you a curve ball. We may go through the whole alphabet several times before this child is grown!

Pets and Younger Kids

Kelley killed one of our pets. She had been playing so sweetly with our pets, and being so gentle, just as we had taught her. But out of the blue, she gave me a dirty look from across the room, and fatally wounded the pet as I looked on in horror. I ran, but it was too late.

Kelley laughed as the poor animal struggled in pain. She laughed all the way to the vet’s office, gleefully saying “I bet it’s going to die!” She laughed at the pet’s cries of pain at the vet. She laughed all the way home after the poor pet was euthanized. She laughed as Jack and I cried over dinner that night, heartbroken for the poor animal who had such an abrupt, terrifying, and painful end to its short life.

Our play therapist at the time insisted that Kelley didn’t know what she did. We knew otherwise. This was no accident. Kelley saw the pet getting attention and treats as a direct threat to her getting what she wanted and being the center of attention. She still occasionally brings it up like it’s a joke.

It’s been over 2 years since that incident, and recently Kelley’s friend from school got a tiny, gentle, and quiet puppy. They brought the puppy to the park, and when no one was really paying attention, Kelley kicked the puppy hard enough that the puppy rolled a couple of times. It was such a sneaky little move! No one else was watching, and she did it in a way that she could play off as an accidental “trip.” But I saw the slight grin that crossed her face, and whether anyone else knew it or not, it was no accident.

Kelley likes to hurt her stuffed animals and dolls so she can provide abusive medical care for them. She will do things like “break their legs,” throw them, hit them, slam them into things, or jump on them. Her “helping” them afterward, looks very similar to her hurting them- locking them up, hitting them, breaking the leg again because they won’t stay in bed, etc.

It is important to us not to put younger children or animals in danger with Kelley. She will always be an only child, and we will likely never have pets again, unless she someday makes a miraculous recovery. I watch her like a hawk around younger children, because the same cruelty often comes out with younger kids. She drags them all over, bosses them around, manipulates them, takes their toys and snacks, pushes them, and is cruel when they don’t obey her ridiculous requests.

If you are preparing for adoption, I think it is really important for you to know that this type of behavior is a common reaction to the trauma these kids have been through, and that teaching new skills may not change it. Over and over, Kelley reverts to the behavior her birth family modeled for her. Kelley’s sister Gabi was very abusive to her, and that is hard-wired into Kelley’s brain. She is acting out her trauma over and over. We hope that someday, with time and healing, that cycle can be broken, but we also think it’s important not to present her with opportunities to cause harm.

Our Melt-down Procedure

Kelley has what you may call: tantrums, rages, melt-downs, fits, or outbursts. She is 5 now, but will still throw herself on the ground and kick and scream- sometimes for hours. When she starts one of these episodes, this is what we do:

Send Kelley to her room (carry her if needed)
I bring my noise-cancelling headphones, phone, and a beanbag chair and sit in the hall right outside her room. I listen to music and play solitaire on my phone, and wait for her to be all done.
I basically ignore her behavior as long as she stays in her room, is not damaging other people’s belongings and is not harming others (Kelley very rarely hurts other people- we got lucky on that one).
I will let her destroy her own toys. I see her having broken toys as a natural consequence of her tantrums.
If she comes out of her room, I walk her back in, close the door behind us, and sit in my beanbag chair in front of the door. I continue to ignore her, listen to music and play solitaire.
My goal is to stay close, but not too close. During a rage, she is extra sensitive to eye contact and touch, so I avoid it if at all possible.
Most of the time, this works and I just have to wait it out.

On the rare occasion that she is to the point of hurting others, destroying things, or raging for over an hour, we have not come up with anything that works to calm her down. I’d love to hear what (if anything) has worked for you! You can email me at JustineGraceShafer@gmail.com.

So far, Kelly’s record for a non-stop rage was when she was 4, and she continued to kick, scream, and throw things for 9.5 hours straight without a break. She can go 12 hours if she takes a few 5-minute breaks, though.

Sleep Issues

Insomnia and night wandering are common for kids from hard places. Some adult adoptees describe getting up in the night feeling like something was lost or missing, and wandering around their home looking for it. In addition, many children with Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) self-harm, harm family members or pets, do damage to property, or steal during the night. For that reason, it is really important to limit what our kids have access to when they are night wandering. In our home, fire starters, sharps, chemicals, art supplies, messy items (Play Doh, gum, etc.), breakables, and valuables are locked up at night. All exterior doors (front, back, garage) have high latches and alarms. Other family members’ rooms are locked at night, too. I check all of the locks and alarms when Kelley goes to bed at night.

Sleep hygiene is critical for kids from hard places! In our home, we have no TV or electronics after dinner. When we break this rule, it consistently results in night waking and wandering. By dinner time, all the blinds and curtains are closed, the lights are dimmed. Sometimes we play relaxing music or ocean sounds softly during dinner. After dinner, it’s calm-down time at our house. Books, puzzles, homework, baths, and getting ready for bed are done as calmly and quietly as possible.

This is an unconventional intervention we came up with after 6 weeks of Kelley waking 4-5 times every night. We made her room the most pleasant place to be at night, and coming out of her room less desirable. Her light switch turns on soft twinkle lights (not too bright for sleep), and looks cozy.

The rest of the house is pitch dark (room darkening shades and closed doors). For over a year, we removed all the light bulbs in the upstairs hall, removed the light bulbs in her bathroom at night (we would screw in just one bulb during the day), and had no light except her bedroom’s twinkle lights and a bathroom nightlight.

The first couple of nights, we would hear her door open, the light switch flip several times, and then her door close. After a couple nights, she would stay in her room. Within less than a week, her sleep cycle reset and she was sleeping all night. I know it sounds crazy, but it worked for us!

Foster Child-Proofing Your Home

The first time we child-proofed, we just put a few things on high shelves. For example, the block of knives moved from the kitchen counter to the cabinet above the microwave, and the cleaning products moved from under the sink to a top shelf in the laundry room.

To pass our home study, our licensing agency required that anything that could cause harm to a child be locked up (not just up high where a child could potentially climb up and get it). This included the obvious: knives, chemicals, and fire starters, but also many less-obvious items like soap, shaving razors, hand sanitizer, paint, glue, and scissors. We chose to put locks on our kitchen pantry, a cabinet in the laundry room, a closet in the basement, and a closet in our master bedroom, and to relocate all of those items to those areas. We worked diligently on the list, passed our home study, and whew! We thought we were ready.

Then two toddlers arrived, fresh out of… well, basically, a crack house. We were not nearly child-proofed enough! The caseworker often referred to 2-year-old Kelley as a “Feral Child.” The first time 3-year-old Gabi threatened to “Cut you up and set you on fire,” I definitely scoured the house again looking for anything sharp or flammable! The kids had never had any limits, were severely traumatized and were acting out their trauma. They were aggressive and destructive to our pets, each other, themselves, us, and property. Toys were used to hit or throw, not to play with. We had broken toys, broken dishes, holes in the table, ruined CDs and DVDs, random torn out book pages everywhere, and lots of close calls for the kids eating or getting into things that could have done harm. They smeared poop, missed the toilet frequently, threw and spit food, and caused mayhem everywhere they went.

We re-homed one pet and the other was killed. We were constantly adding things to our locked areas, which filled up, and we soon began dumping things into the basement, which they were afraid of, and the office, which we added a lock to. The list of things we had to take away was growing daily, and when we were trying to remove something from them, the kids were trying to rush into the room and grab something else we had already taken away.

I often wish someone had better prepared us for the storm we were entering! Had we had any idea what was to come, here are some things I would have added to my to do list before the kids arrived:

Send pets to stay with friends or family until you get the kids settled in and see how they interact with animals.
- A child in crisis will attack anything or anyone that they view as competition for getting their needs and wants met. A pet who receives your attention, affection, and treats is likely to be viewed as a threat.
- Many foster children are not safe around animals, especially early in the healing process.
- For a while after Kelley killed our pet, it was hard for me to forgive or even like her. This did not help our attachment.
Rethink toy storage.
- Kelley needs a parent in sight at all times, so keeping toys in the family room has worked best. She absolutely will not play in her room or put toys back in her room.
- She still cannot sort her toys, so having everything in one box has worked best for us. We have one giant toy box, and rotate toys in and out from the crawlspace.
- Lock up toys that need to be supervised. Things like slime, Play-Doh, and art supplies are better locked up and accessed with parent permission and supervision only.
- We also lock up the noisy toys because they can cause sensory overload and meltdowns.
- Locked toys are brought out, with permission, one bin at a time (only Play-Doh, only bubbles, only art supplies, etc.). When those are put away another bin can be chosen. A cube shelf or Sterilite containers work well for this.
Start with only soft toys that do no harm. Kelley and Gabi did not know how to play with toys. No matter what it was, they hit people and things with it. Evaluate toys based on whether or not they could break a window, hurt someone, or damage something if thrown or used to hit.
Set up your version of a “Saturday Basket” or Toy Time Out ahead of time. This is a place for the toy they’re fighting over, the action figure they are banging on the window, the cup they keep throwing, the toy they refuse to put away, etc.
- I liked the “Saturday Basket” idea from the book Setting Limits with your Strong-Willed Child by Robert Mackenzie, and I adapted it to our family’s needs. By the way, this is an excellent book and I highly recommend it! Amazon Link _______.
- The Saturday Basket is placed up high but visible (top of the fridge, for example).
- You may find that a clear bin where kids can see the toys is either helpful for learning because when they ask about it you can review how it should be used (“Yes, I’m sure you won’t hit your brother with that again when it comes back Saturday!”) OR you may need to keep it hidden or locked up to prevent power struggles. As always, do what works for you!
- Everything placed in the Saturday basket during the week is returned on Saturday and they get another chance. Be prepared, it may need to be taken away again immediately.
- Things that end up in the Saturday basket repeatedly get moved to the donation basket. There’s no reason to keep something that is constantly causing issues.
- You may want a shorter time for younger kids- maybe it’s a “Morning Basket.”
- You set the rules the work for you and the kids.
Create a melt-down recovery zone. Gabi did well with a “Calm Down Rug” in a central location. Kelley wouldn’t stay on the rug, so we use her room. Choose the location that works best for your child and family.
- Keep it safe and decluttered for kicking, throwing, screaming rages
- Pay attention to how items are being used and remove anything that is destructive, unhelpful, or unsafe.
- Many families (we started out here) end up with only a mattress in the child’s room for a period of time, because everything else becomes a projectile.
- Research ideas for a cozy corner/ calm down area/ sensory zone. Some ideas include a beanbag chair (make sure they can’t dump the filling!), plush chair, swing or hammock chair, rocker, weighted blanket, weighted stuffed animal, fidgets, stress ball, or trampoline.
Reduce clutter and hide your knick knacks!
- Many kids with a trauma background have special sensory needs, and visual clutter can create sensory overload, and increase meltdowns. Decreasing visual clutter can give you a more peaceful home life.
- Studies show children only play with a few toys, even when they have hundreds, so why not simplify for the sake of peace?
- If it is important to you, it should be out of reach and/ or locked up. Only leave out what you are comfortable having broken.
Use locks all over the house, and don’t feel bad about it!
- Yes, it feels a bit institutional. On the other hand, locks have greatly reduced our power struggles, and made our daily lives so much easier. Locks turned our home into a haven where I can let my guard down, knowing that Kelley can’t get into anything dangerous or destroy anything important. It has been WELL worth it!
- Many traumatized children have Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD). RAD kids often self-harm, harm family members or pets, do damage to property, or steal, especially during the night. Kelley was already stealing at 2 years old. Locks create safety for the child and the rest of the household.
- We have alarms and locks up high on all exterior doors (front, back, garage) because Kelley was caught halfway out the front door alone at 6 am when she was 2. We’ve kept them there and lock them at night. Great for peace of mind!
- We have locks on the office, master suite, master closet, basement, pantry, laundry room cabinet, and guest room.
- We have a locked file cabinet and safe for important paperwork
- We have a locking display cabinet of wedding mementos in our master bedroom.
A door alarm for the child’s room is an inexpensive and helpful tool. It can help the child feel safer to know that no one can sneak into their room- especially if the child was abused at night. It also lets you know if they are up at night.
Build in a retreat for you!
- Our master suite and basement family room are adult-only areas that well-behaved kids may enter with an adult by invitation only, as they are not child-proofed like the rest of the house.
- When our kiddo goes to bed at night, we retreat to the family room in the basement, lock ourselves in, and enjoy a glass of wine and anything we want to watch on TV. We don’t have to worry about a young child sneaking in during our show and hearing swear words or seeing something that might be scary. It is very freeing and gives us a space to be adults and feel human again.
- This peaceful safe-haven is largely made possible by our locks. Even if Kelley gets up and wanders the house, she can’t get into anything or sneak out, so we know she’s safe.
Bring back VHS! Thrift store sell VHS tapes very inexpensively and you can often find great kids movies. They’re sturdy and great for kids. Kelley could put in videos and play them well before she was able to work a remote control, which is a life saver when mom is cooking dinner!

Therapeutic Music for the Plan Z Life

I often reflect or even shed tears over meaningful songs. I am not a crier or “feelings” person by nature, but these songs so perfectly summarized what my heart was going through, that they became my anthems and a healing way to vent my pent-up emotions.

The foster-care system is so broken! Trying to get a little one’s needs met in that system, or get them out of that system is frustrating, discouraging, and often feels hopeless. Parenting an adopted child with so much hurt is so hard.

May these songs be as therapeutic to you as they have been to me!

Garth Brooks, The Dance

This song was especially poignant when we faced losing Kelley to the system. It made me cry when I heard it after Kelley and Gabi had moved away, and again I sat sobbing in my car with this song playing the day I sent the county notice to resign as foster parents. (See “Love is Blind: Our Foster-Parenting Story Before Adoption” for details). Had we known how hard foster parenting would be, I don’t think we would have pursued it. As I grieved the loss of Gabi forever and the fear of losing Kelley forever too, I resonated with the thought that “I could have missed the pain. But I’d have had to miss the dance.”

Garth Brooks, Unanswered Prayers

So often in life we fervently pray for things to turn out our way, and when it doesn’t, we accuse God of not caring. But in hindsight, I can see so many ways that God was steering me to something better. For example, when my first love broke up with me, when I continued to have surgery after surgery and still could not get pregnant, when I moved from a town I loved to one I felt less certain about, when the job I really wanted didn’t come, when I felt certain that I had utterly failed as a foster parent, and when even adoptive parenting was much, MUCH harder and less instantly rewarding than I hoped for. Those unanswered prayers and hardships have all led to HUGE blessings, much better than what I asked for. “Some of God’s greatest gifts are unanswered prayers.”

Rascal Flatts, Bless the Broken Road

All of the hardships we went through are what brought us together. “God blessed the broken road that led me straight to you.

Audio Adrenaline, Good Life

Many of the dreams I had for my life have not panned out. My vision of my relationship with my child, how my child would behave, what we would do together as a family- all changed dramatically. But I’ve found deeper relationships, new friends, and deeper faith in the midst of it. “Sorrow’s opened up my eyes to see what real joy is. Pain has been the catalyst to my heart’s happiness. This is the good life.”

Love is Blind: Our Foster Parenting Story Before Adoption

Love is blind. So is adoption. Especially from foster care. We received a typed up “referral” from our adoption agency, via a nearby county in our state seeking a home for two siblings, Kelley (age 2) and Gabi (age 3).

Gabi’s name was spelled wrong on the paperwork. There was basically no information about the children or their history, even though we later discovered the kids had been in the system with the same county only about a year before this. They came with an entire SUV trunk full of clothing and toys that smelled like a mixture of chemicals and urine (which internet research suggested was the smell of Meth), but had no medication for their listed medical issues. Gabi easily had twice as many possessions as Kelley, which seemed odd.

When they arrived at our home, both children seemed to have difficulty just standing. They looked drunk. Three-year-old Gabi constantly looked for things to jump off of- Stairs, retaining walls, cars, anything! She acted out tying off an arm and injecting drugs, and pretended to smoke a stick from the back yard. Two-year-old Kelley could barely stand or walk, and drooled so heavily the drool soaked through multiple shirts per day. Their speech was hard to understand, and almost sounded like a strange accent.

They had a trauma bond and a very unhealthy way of interacting. Gabi was an active abuser, and Kelley was an active target who continually and deliberately, antagonized and sought out her angry sister and submitted to her abuse. It was the dynamic often seen in battered women who return to an abuser over and over, repeating a cycle of abuse. It was absolutely heartbreaking to see in a tiny child.

Their first day in our home, Gabi had a massive tantrum and kicked, flailed, gave me a fat lip, cussed me out, screamed, and eventually fell asleep on the time out rug. That night, Kelley fell right asleep, but Gabi was terrified. “Please don’t put poisonous snakes on me if I’m bad! Don’t throw me down the stairs and lock me in the basement. Don’t hit me and throw me in the rocks, or set me on fire.”

The violent behavior of three-year-old Gabi toward two-year-old Kelley was severe. We were notifying the caseworker and our adoption agency worker several times a day of incidents and threats. It was so severe that a county worker who visited our home said “When the two-year-old is seriously hurt by her sister, we will be right here investigating you for lack of supervision, though clearly there is nothing more you can do. I recommend you give notice to remove the aggressive child.”

We weren’t quite ready to give up, so we decided to enroll Gabi in full-time daycare. We wanted to make sure we had at least 2 adults in the home when both children were home so we could keep them separated.

It didn’t work. Meals were battlefields. Gabi was a night-wanderer and we would wake up at 3 am to noise and lights and discover her in Kelley’s room. They had to attend supervised visits together with their bio-parents, which meant an hour each way in the car together and an hour together in the visit. Daycare was closed on the weekends, and occasionally my husband or I had to go somewhere. Whoever was left alone with both kids was hard-pressed to prevent injury.

The county set us up with an in-home play therapist. She came to our home and played guns or swords with Gabi (whatever Gabi wanted) for an hour a week, and when “therapy” was over we were left with an even more wild and aggressive child to deal with. The therapist insisted that strangling people, kicking her sister down the stairs, cussing people out, smearing feces, throwing everything, and threatening to “cut you up and set you on fire” was “normal 3-year-old behavior,” and she made it seem like we were being petty and over-sensitive and should just live with it. It was absolutely not helping.

We asked about full time day treatment for Gabi, more intensive daily therapy, or even residential treatment, and bottom line, the county wasn’t interested in our advice or opinions. Despite my BA in Social Work and experience working in Residential Treatment, schools, daycares and special education, they just saw us as whiny newbie foster parents who didn’t know anything. They made excuses, suggested just giving it time, and didn’t pursue any additional help for Gabi.

We saw the pediatrician for an emergency med review (Gabi was on Clonidine before she came to us), and began to notice that within 30 minutes after she took the Clonidine, Gabi was in a full-blown rage. It was not helping either, and the doctor said that was the only med option recommended for a child so young.

Daycare soon contacted us and said that if the violent behavior continued there, they would not be able to keep Gabi in the program. Both teachers had bruises from working with her and other children had been hurt. The play therapist still insisted that we were seeing “Normal three-year-old behavior.” Now tell me, do they kick ALL the three-year-olds out of daycare?

We knew daycare was the only way we could possibly make it work with both kids under one roof, and even with daycare it wasn’t really working. I had lost 30 pounds because of chronic stomach issues caused by stress (daily dry heaves, diarrhea, and vomiting). We could not sleep at night at all because of Gabi’s night wandering and the fear that she would kill Kelley while we slept.

We were heart broken, but gave 30-day notice that the county needed to find a better placement for Gabi. We had begged and pleaded for more intensive help to keep Gabi and Kelley safe together, and our pleas had fallen on deaf ears.

The system has rigorous rules in place to ensure that siblings are always kept together. It’s supposedly in the best interests of the children, but in our case and many others, it is NOT. Many siblings continue to act out their trauma on each other, and the coping mechanisms that kept them alive in a crisis are not healthy ways to interact in normal life.

The county was intent on keeping them together though, so they sent the kids through 3 different foster homes in about 3 weeks. Kelley came back to us a completely different child after that. We will never know all the details, but this is what we have been able to piece together. Kelley was hospitalized for pneumonia with the 1st foster parent, who had them for 9 days. The 2nd foster home had them for 14 days, and they were removed when Gabi ended up with a handprint bruised into the side of her face. We strongly suspect that there was other abuse as well. The 3rd family had the kids for 3 days. They showed up for a visit with bio-family with all the kids’ belongings and informed the county worker that they would not return for the children because of their severe behavior issues.

Every single foster home stated that Gabi and Kelley were not safe together. The county had to get bio-parent permission to separate them, which they did after the last failed placement together. We got a call from our adoption agency worker. They had received separate county referrals, seeking 2 separate homes for Kelley and Gabi, and our adoption worker wanted to know if we would take Kelley back. We were told since the kids could not be together, and neither parent was participating in their mandatory treatment plan, that we would definitely be able to adopt Kelley. We were so relieved!

But the fight for our child was not over. Unexpectedly, after 10 months of refusing drug testing, Kelley’s biological mother passed two drug screens. She was declared “Sober” and immediately visits with both kids ramped up, and the county was ready to send this suddenly sober mother two children that four trained and licensed foster homes could not handle.

As the visits ramped up, Kelley spun out of control. After one visit, Kelley went to preschool and pinned a child to the wall by his throat, and pulled another child to the floor by her hair. We diligently documented Kelley’s reactions to visits: difficulty sleeping, violent outbursts, waking in the night crying “I’m scared of the other mommy,” nightmares, and fear of being attacked by Gabi. We kept track of every single visit that was cancelled or a no-show. In court, the caseworker praised bio-mom for not missing a single visit, when she had missed 7 visits in 3 months.

At meetings and court, everyone was in agreement that both kids should “return home” except for us. No one was listening to us, and no one was listening to Kelley! We continued to press the county, asking how they thought it would look when Kelley ended up seriously injured or dead at Gabi’s hands, and the records showed that 4 foster families had strongly advised the county that the children were not safe together.

Absolutely heartbroken and furious, I drafted our resignation letter as foster parents. I told them we would not stand by and watch them destroy this child. If the county’s plan was still reunification against the advice of 4 foster families, despite the fact that bio-mom had only passed 2 drug tests in 10 months, couldn’t make it to visits every week, and was reportedly binge-drinking, then they would need to find another foster family! We were in this to HELP this child, not to watch the system destroy her. At this point we knew we were going to lose Kelley one way or the other, and this was the last possible way to get the county’s attention.

Finally, we got through to them. The county hired a therapist to evaluate whether or not the kids could live together safely. We were able to sit down with the therapist and share all of the violent incidents we witnessed between the two kids, and all our documentation on Kelley’s reactions after visits. The therapist observed the kids together in his office, and recommended that there be no contact between the kids until they’d had long-term intensive sibling therapy. We were hopeful that this was the beginning of the end of the nightmare for our child.

There was a delay while the system slowly processed this new information, but eventually the decision was made that Kelley should stay with us and be adopted, and Gabi should return home to her biological mother. After that plan was made, it took about another 10 months for Kelley to be legally freed for adoption.

We were in limbo, fostering our child for nearly 2 years, and that time of uncertainty did quite a bit of damage in terms of attachment, behavior issues, etc. Kelley still has a lot of challenges to work through, but we love her, and there is no quitting, no matter how hard the road is. Things are not all sunshine and rainbows even now, but at least we know that she is our child forever, and she knows that we are family forever. And that is a great place to start.

Love Looks Different in our Home

Children with a history of trauma fear closeness, because in the past it has done more harm than good. Hugs, kisses, cuddles, loving words, compliments, gifts and other displays of affection may put your child into fight, flight, or freeze mode.

My daughter Kelley initially reacted to affection with hitting, screaming, running away, or faking injury (“You scratched me when you hugged me!” when there’s no mark). She has gradually begun to seek out hugs, snuggles, holding hands, and other positive touch, but made the most progress when we learned to respect her boundaries and follow her lead. She still has days where she cannot handle closeness.

This may seem like a strange illustration, but when a horse whisperer works with a traumatized horse who is afraid of human contact, the trainer will often sit in the arena with the horse, near the horse, but keep their back turned and wait for the horse to approach them. They will never chase the horse, or force contact with it. They let the horse lead the interaction. I’m going to propose that they are on to something that applies to working with our traumatized children.

In your mind, hugging your child or saying “I love you” is part of being a loving parent. In the mind of your traumatized child, being touched when he/ she does not want to may feel like abuse. Attempts to “force” affection or attachment may trigger past trauma, retraumatize your child, and reinforce the child’s fear of attachment. These efforts typically do not increase the child’s sense of being safe with you, and may inadvertently teach the child that he or she is not allowed to set boundaries in relationships, thus opening the door to future victimization.

Early on, Kelley could not handle someone sitting on the couch and cuddling with her. In fact, for much of the first 2 years she lived with us, I would often watch movies “with” her from another room. Our kitchen is right next to our family room, so Kelley would sit on the couch watching a movie and I would chat back and forth with her from the kitchen while I cooked or cleaned. Initially, she would always sit so that she could keep an eye on me, making sure that her back was never to me. Eventually, she became comfortable enough to sit on the other couch with her back to the kitchen.

Keep a very careful eye on your child’s reactions. If you are triggering a fight, flight or freeze response, you may see an increase in agitation, hyperactivity, hyper-arousal (being on high alert), fear, anger, shutting down, moving away from you, asking you to go away, or even more extreme behaviors like aggression. If you see these, you may want to rethink your strategy. I am not saying that you must be cold or closed off, and I am not saying that you should not love your child. But to be your child’s safe space and best advocate, you will most likely need to find new ways to show love.

Follow your child’s lead. When the child initiates and controls the level of contact, it feels safe to them and is more likely to be received well. Because I know that too much proximity, eye contact, or touch can be upsetting to my daughter, I look for other ways to show love. I can love her by cooking her favorite dinner, driving her to activities, buying school clothes, being on time for school pick up, setting limits, taking trips to the park, turning on her movie, and many other daily gestures without a fight/ flight/ freeze response. Even respecting your child’s boundaries is showing love and building trust.

For Kelley, cuddling while watching a movie is usually too much, but we are making progress! Some days, I need to stay in the kitchen, but some days we can sit on separate couches in the same room. Sometimes, we can sit next to each other on one couch. Often, she will lean on me, or touch me, but cannot handle being touched back. Occasionally, she will climb onto my lap and cuddle, but typically this is only for a minute or two. I know cuddle time is over when I start seeing agitation, faked injuries, or hyperactivity.

Over time, Kelley is approaching us more for hugs, cuddles, etc., when she is able to receive them. It’s been a very slow process, and often one step forward 2 steps back, but she is making progress.