Children with a history of trauma fear closeness, because in the past it has done more harm than good. Hugs, kisses, cuddles, loving words, compliments, gifts and other displays of affection may put your child into fight, flight, or freeze mode.
My daughter Kelley initially reacted to affection with hitting, screaming, running away, or faking injury (“You scratched me when you hugged me!” when there’s no mark). She has gradually begun to seek out hugs, snuggles, holding hands, and other positive touch, but made the most progress when we learned to respect her boundaries and follow her lead. She still has days where she cannot handle closeness.
This may seem like a strange illustration, but when a horse whisperer works with a traumatized horse who is afraid of human contact, the trainer will often sit in the arena with the horse, near the horse, but keep their back turned and wait for the horse to approach them. They will never chase the horse, or force contact with it. They let the horse lead the interaction. I’m going to propose that they are on to something that applies to working with our traumatized children.
In your mind, hugging your child or saying “I love you” is part of being a loving parent. In the mind of your traumatized child, being touched when he/ she does not want to may feel like abuse. Attempts to “force” affection or attachment may trigger past trauma, retraumatize your child, and reinforce the child’s fear of attachment. These efforts typically do not increase the child’s sense of being safe with you, and may inadvertently teach the child that he or she is not allowed to set boundaries in relationships, thus opening the door to future victimization.
Early on, Kelley could not handle someone sitting on the couch and cuddling with her. In fact, for much of the first 2 years she lived with us, I would often watch movies “with” her from another room. Our kitchen is right next to our family room, so Kelley would sit on the couch watching a movie and I would chat back and forth with her from the kitchen while I cooked or cleaned. Initially, she would always sit so that she could keep an eye on me, making sure that her back was never to me. Eventually, she became comfortable enough to sit on the other couch with her back to the kitchen.
Keep a very careful eye on your child’s reactions. If you are triggering a fight, flight or freeze response, you may see an increase in agitation, hyperactivity, hyper-arousal (being on high alert), fear, anger, shutting down, moving away from you, asking you to go away, or even more extreme behaviors like aggression. If you see these, you may want to rethink your strategy. I am not saying that you must be cold or closed off, and I am not saying that you should not love your child. But to be your child’s safe space and best advocate, you will most likely need to find new ways to show love.
Follow your child’s lead. When the child initiates and controls the level of contact, it feels safe to them and is more likely to be received well. Because I know that too much proximity, eye contact, or touch can be upsetting to my daughter, I look for other ways to show love. I can love her by cooking her favorite dinner, driving her to activities, buying school clothes, being on time for school pick up, setting limits, taking trips to the park, turning on her movie, and many other daily gestures without a fight/ flight/ freeze response. Even respecting your child’s boundaries is showing love and building trust.
For Kelley, cuddling while watching a movie is usually too much, but we are making progress! Some days, I need to stay in the kitchen, but some days we can sit on separate couches in the same room. Sometimes, we can sit next to each other on one couch. Often, she will lean on me, or touch me, but cannot handle being touched back. Occasionally, she will climb onto my lap and cuddle, but typically this is only for a minute or two. I know cuddle time is over when I start seeing agitation, faked injuries, or hyperactivity.
Over time, Kelley is approaching us more for hugs, cuddles, etc., when she is able to receive them. It’s been a very slow process, and often one step forward 2 steps back, but she is making progress.
The Village and The Vineyard 