Foster Child-Proofing Your Home

The first time we child-proofed, we just put a few things on high shelves. For example, the block of knives moved from the kitchen counter to the cabinet above the microwave, and the cleaning products moved from under the sink to a top shelf in the laundry room.

To pass our home study, our licensing agency required that anything that could cause harm to a child be locked up (not just up high where a child could potentially climb up and get it). This included the obvious: knives, chemicals, and fire starters, but also many less-obvious items like soap, shaving razors, hand sanitizer, paint, glue, and scissors. We chose to put locks on our kitchen pantry, a cabinet in the laundry room, a closet in the basement, and a closet in our master bedroom, and to relocate all of those items to those areas. We worked diligently on the list, passed our home study, and whew! We thought we were ready.

Then two toddlers arrived, fresh out of… well, basically, a crack house. We were not nearly child-proofed enough! The caseworker often referred to 2-year-old Kelley as a “Feral Child.” The first time 3-year-old Gabi threatened to “Cut you up and set you on fire,” I definitely scoured the house again looking for anything sharp or flammable! The kids had never had any limits, were severely traumatized and were acting out their trauma. They were aggressive and destructive to our pets, each other, themselves, us, and property.  Toys were used to hit or throw, not to play with. We had broken toys, broken dishes, holes in the table, ruined CDs and DVDs, random torn out book pages everywhere, and lots of close calls for the kids eating or getting into things that could have done harm. They smeared poop, missed the toilet frequently, threw and spit food, and caused mayhem everywhere they went.

We re-homed one pet and the other was killed. We were constantly adding things to our locked areas, which filled up, and we soon began dumping things into the basement, which they were afraid of, and the office, which we added a lock to. The list of things we had to take away was growing daily, and when we were trying to remove something from them, the kids were trying to rush into the room and grab something else we had already taken away.

I often wish someone had better prepared us for the storm we were entering! Had we had any idea what was to come, here are some things I would have added to my to do list before the kids arrived:

• Send pets to stay with friends or family until you get the kids settled in and see how they interact with animals.
  • A child in crisis will attack anything or anyone that they view as competition for getting their needs and wants met. A pet who receives your attention, affection, and treats is likely to be viewed as a threat.
  • Many foster children are not safe around animals, especially early in the healing process.
  • For a while after Kelley killed our pet, it was hard for me to forgive or even like her. This did not help our attachment.
• Rethink toy storage.
  • Kelley needs a parent in sight at all times, so keeping toys in the family room has worked best. She absolutely will not play in her room or put toys back in her room.
  • She still cannot sort her toys, so having everything in one box has worked best for us. We have one giant toy box, and rotate toys in and out from the crawlspace.
  • Lock up toys that need to be supervised. Things like slime, Play-Doh, and art supplies are better locked up and accessed with parent permission and supervision only.
  • We also lock up the noisy toys because they can cause sensory overload and meltdowns.
  • Locked toys are brought out, with permission, one bin at a time (only Play-Doh, only bubbles, only art supplies, etc.). When those are put away another bin can be chosen. A cube shelf or Sterilite containers work well for this.
• Start with only soft toys that do no harm. Kelley and Gabi did not know how to play with toys. No matter what it was, they hit people and things with it. Evaluate toys based on whether or not they could break a window, hurt someone, or damage something if thrown or used to hit.
• Set up your version of a “Saturday Basket” or Toy Time Out ahead of time. This is a place for the toy they’re fighting over, the action figure they are banging on the window, the cup they keep throwing, the toy they refuse to put away, etc.
  • I liked the “Saturday Basket” idea from the book Setting Limits with your Strong-Willed Child by Robert Mackenzie, and I adapted it to our family’s needs. By the way, this is an excellent book and I highly recommend it! Amazon Link _______.
  • The Saturday Basket is placed up high but visible (top of the fridge, for example).
  • You may find that a clear bin where kids can see the toys is either helpful for learning because when they ask about it you can review how it should be used (“Yes, I’m sure you won’t hit your brother with that again when it comes back Saturday!”) OR you may need to keep it hidden or locked up to prevent power struggles. As always, do what works for you!
  • Everything placed in the Saturday basket during the week is returned on Saturday and they get another chance. Be prepared, it may need to be taken away again immediately.
  • Things that end up in the Saturday basket repeatedly get moved to the donation basket. There’s no reason to keep something that is constantly causing issues.
  • You may want a shorter time for younger kids- maybe it’s a “Morning Basket.”
  • You set the rules the work for you and the kids.
• Create a melt-down recovery zone. Gabi did well with a “Calm Down Rug” in a central location. Kelley wouldn’t stay on the rug, so we use her room. Choose the location that works best for your child and family.
  • Keep it safe and decluttered for kicking, throwing, screaming rages
  • Pay attention to how items are being used and remove anything that is destructive, unhelpful, or unsafe.
  • Many families (we started out here) end up with only a mattress in the child’s room for a period of time, because everything else becomes a projectile.
  • Research ideas for a cozy corner/ calm down area/ sensory zone. Some ideas include a beanbag chair (make sure they can’t dump the filling!), plush chair, swing or hammock chair, rocker, weighted blanket, weighted stuffed animal, fidgets, stress ball, or trampoline.
• Reduce clutter and hide your knick knacks!
  • Many kids with a trauma background have special sensory needs, and visual clutter can create sensory overload, and increase meltdowns. Decreasing visual clutter can give you a more peaceful home life.
  • Studies show children only play with a few toys, even when they have hundreds, so why not simplify for the sake of peace?
  • If it is important to you, it should be out of reach and/ or locked up. Only leave out what you are comfortable having broken.
• Use locks all over the house, and don’t feel bad about it!
  • Yes, it feels a bit institutional. On the other hand, locks have greatly reduced our power struggles, and made our daily lives so much easier. Locks turned our home into a haven where I can let my guard down, knowing that Kelley can’t get into anything dangerous or destroy anything important. It has been WELL worth it!
  • Many traumatized children have Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD). RAD kids often self-harm, harm family members or pets, do damage to property, or steal, especially during the night. Kelley was already stealing at 2 years old. Locks create safety for the child and the rest of the household.
  • We have alarms and locks up high on all exterior doors (front, back, garage) because Kelley was caught halfway out the front door alone at 6 am when she was 2. We’ve kept them there and lock them at night. Great for peace of mind!
  • We have locks on the office, master suite, master closet, basement, pantry, laundry room cabinet, and guest room.
  • We have a locked file cabinet and safe for important paperwork
  • We have a locking display cabinet of wedding mementos in our master bedroom.
• A door alarm for the child’s room is an inexpensive and helpful tool. It can help the child feel safer to know that no one can sneak into their room- especially if the child was abused at night. It also lets you know if they are up at night.
• Build in a retreat for you!
  • Our master suite and basement family room are adult-only areas that well-behaved kids may enter with an adult by invitation only, as they are not child-proofed like the rest of the house.
  • When our kiddo goes to bed at night, we retreat to the family room in the basement, lock ourselves in, and enjoy a glass of wine and anything we want to watch on TV. We don’t have to worry about a young child sneaking in during our show and hearing swear words or seeing something that might be scary. It is very freeing and gives us a space to be adults and feel human again.
  • This peaceful safe-haven is largely made possible by our locks. Even if Kelley gets up and wanders the house, she can’t get into anything or sneak out, so we know she’s safe.
• Bring back VHS! Thrift store sell VHS tapes very inexpensively and you can often find great kids movies. They’re sturdy and great for kids. Kelley could put in videos and play them well before she was able to work a remote control, which is a life saver when mom is cooking dinner!